Hey, Ed, how's it going?
Can I get you something?
Shelly?
My new acid raincoat. Isn't it bitchin'?
Cost Holling 25 energy units.
Wow.
Holling?
What can I get for you, Ed?
Fresh oxygen?
A nice glass of water, maybe?
56% pure.
Holling, what happened to your hair?
Oh, a little reaction to that toxic inversion layer...
we had last month.
I think it's hot.
Hey, Ed!
Eddie, my boy.
Ed, Ed, take a hit, man.
It's the real thing. O2, oxygen.
First hit's free.
Come on, Ed.
What, you got two left feet or what?
Dr. Fleischman?
What's happened to you?
Well, like a schmuck, I listened to the ozone report.
I went out without my SPF 360 sun block.
Look, I don't have much of an appetite, you want this?
What's wrong? Ed?
So I told him, "You tried to land in that soup?"
Maggie what's happened, everybody's...
What, Ed? Ed?
What's wrong, Ed?
Incredible.
Unbelievable.
Oh, what?
It's a piece of junk.
God, the whole thing's rusted.
I'm surprised it didn't give out before.
Maggie, these pipes are plastic.
PVC to be exact. Polyvinyl chloride.
A working girl's friend.
Light, cheap, and indestructible.
Maggie, this isn't biodegradable.
Yeah, damn right, it's not.
You think I want to go through this again.
You should have seen my front yard at 3:00 a. m.
Maggie, PVC contains carcinogens.
I know. I'm not going to drink out of it, Ed.
It's just for my garden.
Okay, this is long enough.
Oh, I need to go down another foot.
What's the matter, Ed? You seem a little gloomy.
Well, that's because I am.
Well, any particular reason?
Yeah, I was at The Brick and it was all different.
Like in Soylent Green.
What's this? I think I hit something.
We'd destroyed the planet.
The ozone layer was long gone.
And people were diseased, mutated, really.
There's something down here.
Dr. Fleischman was a mummy.
And Holling, well, he was bald.
Maggie, you were horribly disfigured.
Your face was all covered with these bumpy things.
It was just awful.
Would you look at this.
What do you think, Ed?
Look, it's got a carving on the side, too.
Is this Indian?
Yeah, it's got to be Indian.
Well, maybe it's... Well, could it be maybe...
I'll bet it's a baby carrier.
Oh, yeah, the little head went up here...
and the little feet went down here.
Wow, isn't this sweet?
Ed, what do you think?
Ed?
Hey, buddy, gotta light?
Nope, sorry.
Hey.
What?
How old are you?
18.
Oh, yeah! Right. And I'm 64.
Hey! Hey! Where are you going?
You don't walk away when someone's talking to you.
What?
You see this?
You know what it is?
It's a book.
No, it's a medical text. I happen to be a doctor.
An almost board-certified physician.
So let me paint a little picture for you...
of what's gonna happen to those pink little lungs of yours...
if you keep up this smoking act, okay?
Like I'm trembling.
You got a lot of attitude for a guy who isn't tall enough...
to get on half the rides at Disneyland.
Cram it, doc.
What? Excuse me?
Later.
Hey, you little pipsqueak, where do you get off talking to me that way?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey!
What'll it be?
Rum and coke on the rocks with a twist.
Need to turn up the hearing aid, pop?
Have you got some ID?
Yeah, yeah, I don't believe this.
Born in '71, huh?
Let's see that makes you 21?
That's right.
155 pounds, 5 feet 9.
I got a thyroid condition, what of it?
You can't sit at the bar without an adult.
What kind of bogus town is this?
Look, mister, I'm hungry.
Can't I just get a cheeseburger, fries and a coke?
I'll have to serve it to you at a table.
My god.
Hi, Ed. Okay.
Check out the scenery.
She is fine.
Man, would I like to fluff those pillows.
Hey, Ed.
Could you just put those things on the counter, please?
Okie-doke.
Let's see what we've got.
Oxtail soup, minced clams.
You know, in the future it's doubtful...
they'll even have minced clams.
They won't? No way.
The seas will be way too polluted to support mollusks.
You know, Mike, I had a dream just last night about the future.
Yeah?
Yup. The air, the food, the rain were all poison.
And everyone I knew was mutated.
Classic post-apocalyptic nightmare.
Huh?
You were normal, but everything else was distorted, grotesque.
That's it.
I have them all the time.
Though it's funny.
Most of my post-apocalyptic dreams...
have to do with food.
The other night...
I dreamed that it was raining marinated pimentos.
Oh. Those are mine, Mike.
Nacho cheese chips?
Sorry.
Actually, it's not gonna happen like in your dream.
What's not?
Well, the end of life on Earth.
No?
No, it'll be much more gradual.
Far less traumatic.
Great.
You see, Ed...
the human mind...
it doesn't think in geological increments.
They're too vast, so we compress things as in our dreams.
But the reality is, even at current rates of environmental destruction...
it'll take considerable time for our species to disappear.
Huh.
Oh, sure, there'll be famine, you know, riots, plagues...
but most people, they'll go on as they always have...
ignoring, adapting, and...
Until finally the planet truly is uninhabitable.
The air and water will be too polluted to support the ecosystem...
and mankind will simply die off in droves.
Like the dinosaurs.
Right.
Wow, I still can't believe it.
History, right here in my own front yard.
Yeah, I know just what you mean.
When I was six, I found an arrowhead in a neighbor's field.
Comanche. I slept with it on my bedside table for, oh, years...
then I went to Zuni fetishes, Navajo jewelry...
Santa Clara pottery.
I didn't know you were a collector of Native American arts?
Oh, yeah, my collection of Hopi Kachina dolls...
is second only to Barry Goldwater's.
No kidding. Uh-huh.
Well, then, what do you think of that?
Well...
my first idea was, it was a hoax.
A hoax?
Yeah, Maggie, this is cedar wood...
and the Native Americans did use cedar wood.
But, when you use organic, friable material like that...
and you put it in the ground...
bacteria starts to work almost immediately.
Within, 10 or 20 years, you don't have anything.
Unless it's in permafrost.
Which we're too far south for that.
Yeah. And this is in almost mint condition. Look it here.
You can see where the paint was.
Mmm-hmm.
A hoax under these circumstances seemed unlikely...
so, I asked myself...
what is something like this doing here?
Well, there were Indian villages around here.
Yeah.
Was your house built on the ruins of an Indian village?
You mean like Pompeii?
No, that doesn't wash.
No, there's no volcanic range within 1000 miles of here.
There's no cataclysmic earthquake on record. No.
No, my best guess is that...
it was buried here deliberately.
Well, why?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe to hide it from raiding tribes...
or, maybe the Russians?
The Russians?
Oh, yeah.
The Russkies kicked up quite a fuss around here.
Around 1800.
You know trade disputes, Russian orthodox church, that sort of thing.
You mean, so this could be around 200 years old?
Oh, yeah, more than that.
Wow. Yeah.
Hey.
What's this?
What's what? What is it?
Let me see.
Look. Well, I'll be, look at that.
That's definite Athabaskan influence.
Maggie, this is a sewing kit.
Look here, see the needle?
Wow. Yeah.
Take plastic?
No cards.
Not even American Express?
Cash only.
Can I run a tab?
Tab, huh?
You know, I wasn't much older than you...
before I struck out on the open road myself, young man.
I think it does a body good to go off on one's own.
Teaches you to develop independence, self-reliance.
Much as I generally dislike children...
in your case, I feel a general rapport.
You trying to say something here?
Pay as you go.
That way you answer to nobody but yourself.
Truth is I'm busted.
I figured.
You want to eat, you gotta work.
Work?
You can bus tables for meal money...
sack out on the pool table if you like...
but first, I gotta know who I'm dealing with.
Brad Young.
Holling Vincoeur, Brad.
Where are your folks?
Los Angeles.
You're a good long way from home.
Yeah, I'm supposed to be at this camp.
But it was totally bogus.
There's no camps around here.
Yeah, there is. "Inward Summit. "
Never heard of it.
They move around.
It's one of those wilderness survival things, you know?
Make you hike all day, cook your own food...
sleep outside on the ground.
Sounds like rip-roaring fun.
It's not supposed to be fun.
It's supposed to improve your attitude...
or self-esteem, stuff like that.
I think the idea is, if you do something that sucks long enough...
anything will look good.
I'm supposed to be on my solo, right?
That's where they drop you off in the woods alone...
with a piece of string and safety pin...
and they say, "See you in three days. "
I followed their tracks back to the road...
hitched a ride with a logging truck.
Resourceful.
Figure I'll work my way down to Seattle, get a job...
maybe do some repo work.
Is that so?
You're not gonna turn me in, are you?
No, I'm not gonna turn you in.
But I'm not gonna lie for you either.
If somebody asks me...
I'll tell them what I know.
Cool.
Enjoy your dinner.
There's a clean apron waiting for you when you're done.
More coffee?
If you're pouring.
Nice hooters.
Thanks.
Order up!
Coming.
Just a minute, let me get this in position.
Okay, go ahead.
What is this?
Oh, Maggie.
Listen, we're gonna have to ask you...
to use the back door from now on.
Yeah, we have to preserve the integrity of the site.
Guys, this is my front yard.
I mean, what exactly is going on here?
Maggie, we are really in luck.
Ron here, it turns out, was an adjunct professor of anthropology...
at New Hampshire University.
The Hampshire College, Amherst, Mass.
Erick's done quite a lot of excavation work, too.
Yeah, well, my uncle used to be a general contractor.
Maurice, I'm a little lost here.
Oh, well, the boys have signed on to help us develop the site.
Us?
We're extremely excited, Maggie.
Considering the condition of the artifacts.
Yeah, the general topography of the land.
The high water table, possibly due to an artesian spring.
Yeah. What we have here is...
peat.
Peat? Peaty water.
Which acts as a first-rate preservative.
In other words, what we find down here...
could be of landmark significance.
Do you boys want to go finish up the grid work?
I'd like to break ground before 0900.
Sure thing, Maurice.
You know, Maggie...
you know, fairies are the perfect people to do this kind of work.
Biologically, their upper bodies...
are strong enough to wield a pickaxe...
but temperamentally, they're precise and meticulous.
Maurice, I'm not sure about this.
What? Well...
Oh, yeah, well...
don't worry, little lady, I'm gonna take care of you.
I've drawn up a contract here.
It's a contract of excavation that protects you.
You know, just look it over.
See what you think.
Oh, I had to give Ron and Erick...
any shaman rattles we come across.
Those boys know the marketplace.
40%?
Yeah, that's pretty standard.
I mean, I am providing the money for this thing.
Well, look, it gives you first dibs on any decorative item...
and I've told them we're naming the site after you...
the O'Connell site.
Really?
Yeah.
All right, boys, about time.
Come on, shovels on the left, pickaxes on the right.
Come on, you expect a full day's pay...
I expect a full day's work.
Let's go, double-time, march.
We're burning daylight here.
What do you think?
You missed a spot.
I swept out the stock room.
Got anything else for me to do?
You could clean the grease traps.
No problem.
Cool. Have fun.
Hey, Holling.
Want to show me where the grease traps are?
Grease traps?
Yeah.
Why?
I'm gonna clean them.
You're gonna clean the grease traps?
Well, yeah.
Why?
Excuse me, boys.
I see.
She hits like a ton of bricks, doesn't she?
Tell me about it.
It was that way with me, too, Brad.
Yeah? Couldn't help myself.
Started doing things never dreamt I'd do.
Cook, clean, shake out the rug.
Shelly's the kind of girl who can turn you upside down.
I was a man of the wilderness, a hunter, a trapper...
a killer.
Now look at me.
Tied to a bar by my apron strings...
and loving every minute of it.
Wow, you're one lucky dude, Holling.
That's true, but...
I lost my best friend over Shelly.
Yeah?
And you know something?
I didn't care.
Sometimes love will pick you up by the short hairs, Brad...
and jerk the heck out of you.
My grandmother had a bowl like this.
It belonged to her grandmother.
Beaver clan. Hmm.
I found this archaeology textbook in the storeroom, Maggie.
Clyde Winslow ordered it some years ago...
but the poor man froze to death before he could pick it up.
Oh, thanks, Ruth-Anne.
My, aren't these wonderful? What are they?
Women's things. Oh.
May I?
Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Think of it.
This belonged to someone hundreds of years ago.
And she probably did the same things we do.
Makes you feel connected somehow, doesn't it?
Yeah. She sewed, we sew.
She cooked, we cook.
Exactly.
She bore children, we bear children.
Well, some of us anyway, so far, dear.
Is there something wrong?
Well...
yeah, there is, as a matter of fact.
Here I discover a bunch of women's things in my own front yard...
and as we speak it's being overrun by a bunch of men.
I know what you mean.
The way that Maurice is strutting around...
you'd think he'd hung the moon.
Why do men always have to run things?
They can't help themselves.
Yeah. You know what it is? It's their penis.
That's it, they think with it, they talk with it, they just can't get past it.
Exactly.
They can't receive, they can't conceive, so what do they do?
They make up for it by attacking and plundering and overtaking.
Right.
Men ruin things.
Hey, Marilyn, can you call Anchorage...
find out what happened to Fred Stitt's throat culture?
It's been almost a week.
Am I interrupting something?
Hey. Uh-uh, uh-uh.
I'm not gonna be collectively vibed...
out of my own office. Understand?
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
You've five minutes.
I rest my case.
Right.
Hello, I'm back.
Did the Fuji apples come in, Ed?
Hello, Ruth-Anne.
What in the world are you doing, Ed?
Getting rid of everything that destroys the ozone layer.
I figured you'd approve.
Well, you figured wrong.
I want this mess cleaned up this minute.
I have a store to run, Ed. The environment can wait.
We'll all turn into mutants, Ruth-Anne.
Take this for example.
That's my hairspray, Ed.
Oh, I know.
But do you know that every time you use that...
you destroy a teensy-weensy bit of the ozone layer.
And, Ruth-Anne, we really need our ozone layer.
Okay, Ed, if it means that much to you, I'll use mousse.
But I don't know what's gotten into you lately.
But please, put all this stuff back on the shelves, now.
Okay.
Thank you.
Where's the videotape display that I asked for?
Video?
Ed?
That's it, Ruth-Anne.
What's what?
Videotape.
What?
Ruth-Anne, TV, movies.
People only believe what they see on the screen.
You're such a smart lady, thank you.
Ed?
♪ This is the way to grandmother's house ♪
♪ to grandmother's house ♪
♪ This is the way to grandmother's house ♪♪
Hey, babe.
Hello. Who are you?
What's it look like?
I'm the subconscious manifestation of...
your primal male fantasy fixations.
What's in the basket?
Goodies. For me?
For Granny.
Hey, forget Granny. Granny's history.
I had her for breakfast.
What?
She was just the embodiment of your obsessive...
unfulfilled need for the non-critical parent, anyway.
So don't worry about Granny.
How about a peek in the basket?
Hey, get your hairy paws off.
I really should send for Hansel and Gretel.
You're not ready for me, kid.
What are you talking about?
I'm here for your basic oedipal conflict.
All those unresolved hang-ups from puberty.
The awakening sexual drive...
the confusion of father as seducer...
the whole nine yards.
But you never got past oral fixation, did you?
What you need is to eat the witch's house...
kill the bad mother, et cetera.
Then give me a call.
Wait a minute.
I do not have an oral fixation...
and I don't need some stupid, long-nosed carnivore-
Tell me something, kid. Why the red hood?
Well, 'cause Granny gave it to me.
Try again.
Why red? Now, why not blue?
Or green? Or chartreuse?
Well, Granny says it compliments my complexion.
Try raw, try violent...
try sex, kid.
It's just a hood.
What do they call you?
Mary Margaret.
Little Red Riding Hood.
Why little?
Okay, why?
Because you're too immature to handle...
complex feelings of a sexual nature.
Listen to the child inside you.
Is she really ready to deal with what's in that basket?
Well, I...
Maybe you'd feel better if we both looked in it.
Together.
Well...
Why don't we sit down?
There's a nice bit of shade over there.
Well, okay.
That's a good girl.
Don't you feel better?
Well...
Of course you do, you just don't realize...
Hi, doc. Hey, Dave.
It's very impressive, Maurice.
Oh, this is just the beginning.
This afternoon, one of my air force buddies from Elmendorf...
is gonna do a fly-by with ground-penetrating radar.
Then we'll know exactly what we've got in here.
Well, what're you gonna do with all this stuff?
Well, part of it'll be sold to cover the cost, of course.
And some of it goes to Maggie.
The rest of it'll go to my private collection.
What about the Indians?
What about them?
A lot of people say this technically belongs to them.
Why?
'Cause they put it there.
Yeah, well, I found it. So?
So you found it, your culture didn't create it, Maurice.
Oh, come on, Stevens.
Don't give that revisionist crap.
I mean, finders keepers, okay?
Besides, if the Indians had it...
what do you think they'd do with it, they'd sell it off.
You're lucky, it's in the hands of a serious collector...
who knows its value and has the wherewithal to keep it together.
Hey! Maurice!
Maggie, didn't we talk about you using the back door, dear?
Maurice, I've changed my mind. I want you out of here.
Well, what seems to be the problem, little lady?
The problem is that I want all of you men off my property.
And if you call me little lady one more time...
I'm gonna punch you in the nose!
Now, Maggie-
Don't now Maggie me, Maurice.
I mean it, everyone out! Scat! Shoo!
Shoo!
Maggie, there's no need to get upset here.
I'm not upset, Maurice.
Well, O'Connell, you're upset, I mean-
No, this is not upset.
No, upset is collapsing on your bed in tears...
because you weren't invited to the prom.
No, this is empowered.
You know what empowered is?
Well, empowered is Anne Boleyn laughing...
on the way to the chopping block...
apologizing to her executioner for her small neck.
That's empowered.
Do you think a man would have done that?
No, a man wouldn't have had the guts.
He would have peed in his pants.
He would've begged for mercy. But Anne didn't even break a sweat.
You know why? Because she was empowered.
She knew who she was and I know who I am...
and I want all you men off my property!
Hey, hey, hey. Now!
Hats off to you, Maggie!
You know, Maurice, it's interesting 'cause in many...
Mesolithic societies, the woman's role-
Oh, cram it, you tall, skinny, male twerp!
Now, come on, guys, I really mean it, off!
Maggie, look here.
Look, we have a contract here.
Contract? Yeah.
You and I have a contract?
Well, Maurice, would you like to know...
what I think of this contract?
This is what I think of this contract. Hey.
I never wanted this contract in the first place.
Hey, hold on there.
Mmm, mmm. Really good contract, Maurice. Delicious contract.
Do you have any more of these contracts?
Maybe we'd better talk about this later.
Good idea, excellent idea.
Hey, boys! Don't forget your little pails and shovels. That's right.
Take your tinker toys and scram! Scoot!
Vámonos!
There's the peelers and knives.
Towel, right.
Vegetables. Okay, Ed, I'm all set.
Ready when you are.
Hello, folks. I'm Ed Chigliak, your host for Apocalypse Now.
A documentary series on the end of life...
and the world as we know it.
Now I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Michael Monroe. Mike.
Okay, hold on one second.
Okay, Ed.
Hello, I'm Michael Monroe.
I have Multiple Chemical Sensitivity or MCS.
Generally referred to as environmental illness.
Ed, here, has asked me to talk to you today about pesticides.
Those insidious chemical toxins used by the agri-business...
particularly on bland...
scientifically altered fruits and vegetables...
consumed in the average American home.
What we have here are two Better Boy tomatoes.
They're washed. Now, they may appear to be the same...
but this one, is from a typical supermarket...
and this one, was grown in my own organic garden.
First the homegrown beauty.
What I'm doing is gently rubbing the tomato...
on the exposed skin of my forearm.
We're trying to see if there's any epidermal reaction.
Nothing.
The exposed skin is perfectly normal.
Now, let's try that supermarket variety.
Okay, now I'm already feeling a reaction.
It's hot, itchy. It's starting to burn.
There it is, see? See the redness?
Now, if I'd kept that up another minute...
you'd see that redness turn into some ugly welts.
So...
Ed.
Sorry, Mike, cut, cut.
But I'm not through, I've got a whole spiel...
on non-toxic insecticidal soaps.
I'm sorry, Mike...
I asked you to do this. Let's just forget about it.
Why? What's wrong?
Well, Mike...
if that tomato's gonna make your arm all bumpy...
well, what's it gonna do to the inside of you?
And that's just one thing.
There's a lot of fruit out there.
Bananas, oranges, coconuts.
What are they doing to us, you know? I mean soon...
kids aren't even gonna be able to take apples to their teachers...
on the first day of school, Mike.
And what about pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving?
Mashed potatoes and gravy? Alas, Mike...
the end of the world...
it's already here.
You're going about that all wrong.
Just take a screwdriver and thrash the hinges.
I've cracked bigger locks than this before. It's no big deal.
Look at the very minimum, you take the whole box...
you open it up in the relative comfort of your own four walls.
It's only chump change in here, anyway.
We all have our off days.
It's not that, Chris.
It's like I've gone totally mental.
Who's the babe?
How'd you know I was losing it on account of a babe?
Because it's always a babe.
I thought ripping something off might...
help me snap out of it, but...
Come on, who's the filly?
She works at the bar.
Shelly Tambo.
How'd you know?
How'd I know? 'Cause there's only 849 people in this town.
You know, the babes kind of stand out.
I get all geeky thinking about her.
Yeah, love will do that to you, you know.
It will?
Now and forever.
Love sucks.
True.
Maggie. Holling.
Hello, O'Connell.
What?
Just, hello.
Hey, is it true what Marilyn said?
Well, you'll have to give me a hint, Fleischman.
You're gonna rebury all that stuff?
Yeah. It's true. Not that it's any of your business.
No, I think it's great.
Don't patronize me, Fleischman.
I'm not. I mean, I think it's very impressive that you have the courage...
of your convictions to rebury that stuff.
Especially considering the value, the history.
Do you ever stop to think about that word, Fleischman? Do you?
History. His story.
You don't need a degree to figure that out.
Everything about the way we perceive things in life is determined by men.
And I, for one, I'm sick of it.
And I'm not gonna have my past or any other woman's past mauled...
groped or otherwise pawed by a bunch of men...
for the benefit of other men. Got it?
Well...
You feeling all right, O'Connell?
Fine, Fleischman.
You just seem...
Oh, great. Here we go again.
What?
A little PMS, right? Typical.
Men can beat each other up over nothing...
and get all bloody and that's okay. That's normal.
But let a woman get a little emotional about something...
a little cranky, all of a sudden she's out of control.
She needs medical attention.
Look, O'Connell, forgive me for saying so...
but I think that you are letting your pathological fear of men...
corrupt your experience here.
Wrong, Fleischman. I'm not afraid of men.
It's your perspective that's pathological. It's your perspective.
And I'm talking about the royal pain in the butt, you, here...
that needs changing.
You know, you think you would've ever had the guts...
to say that to Empress Theodora?
You would have been on your knees, Fleischman. Who?
Empress Theodora. Hello? Ring any bells?
She ruled Asia Minor.
She saved Justinian's ass.
Figures.
If it's her story, it's not history.
Look at Catherine the Great, for example.
Okay, why?
Well, Catherine the Great, she ruled Russia.
She fought wars. She corresponded with Voltaire and Diderot.
But what do you think men remember?
The fact that she had a thing for horses which is apocryphal, anyway.
A thing? Even if it isn't, who cares?
Nobody made a peep when Jack Kennedy...
was playing musical beds in the White House.
And what about J. Edgar Hoover and his male squeeze?
How do those rumors get started anyway?
Probably some menacing little male courtier who got passed over...
for palace favors by a prize stallion!
See, it comes down to choices.
Love or delinquency, man.
You've gotta make a choice. You can't have both.
Why not?
It doesn't work out that way.
Being a delinquent is like being an artist...
or an athlete. You got to train at it.
You got to work every day, or else you lose your chops.
Yeah.
You don't want to be in love, man, love slows you down. I mean...
next thing you know, you're not the fastest gun in the West anymore.
You got young punks coming up to try and step on your turf.
You think you still got it.
You want to show these young punks who's top punk.
Next thing you know, you take a job you're not ready for...
and you're doing two-to-five in the joint and your old lady's...
making indentations in the back of somebody else's Trans-Am somewhere.
Know what I mean?
True story?
Take it to the bank.
No.
So, which one do I choose?
Love or crime?
Well, you gotta weigh it out for yourself. I mean...
look at the pluses and minuses.
Crime, the pluses.
It's tax free. It's a kick in the pants.
You make your own hours. You meet new and interesting people.
On the minus side, no medical plan...
no job security, early burnout.
Most crooks I know are like NFL linemen at 30, man.
They're either crippled, retired, or dead.
What about love?
You've seen the minuses.
You turn into a total dork.
What about the pluses?
It's irrelevant, you know.
Love is, period.
"Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny
"I am looped in the loops of her hair"
Yeats.
Mad Max, The Road Warrior...
Soylent Green, Silent Running, Planet of the Apes...
Blade Runner, no one listens.
Get up, Ed.
The average American citizen dumps 3,000 pounds of trash...
into the environment every year.
I'm going to open now.
It just seems like the only thing left to do is...
for a responsible citizen, is kill yourself.
Up. Oh.
I'm going to kick you out, Ed.
Go find something to do.
Ruth-Anne, I can't make movies anymore.
Well, I'm sorry about that, honey.
But read a book. Take a walk.
Clean your apartment, chop wood.
But...
Go.
One Mexican omelet and seven-grain waffle.
Shelly, I gotta talk to you.
Brad, where have you been? The dishes are piling up.
I'm splitting. What?
I'm going back to that bogus camp.
I gotta show you something.
Wow!
I did it myself.
I've never seen anything so totally cool in my entire life.
Did it hurt?
It's ballpoint.
Oh.
Look, Shelly. I want you to be my woman.
I can't get you out of my mind.
I've wrecked three pairs of underwear just dreaming about you.
No kiddin'? Yeah.
It's been a long time since someone said that to me.
I'm going to do my time at camp, and then I'll go back to junior high.
Get into auto shop. Learn a trade like Chris.
Cool.
So we could shack up together. Okay?
Thanks, Brad.
Like I am really flattered.
But I can't.
Why not?
Brad, you're only 12 years old.
So?
Romeo and Juliet were only 14.
They were?
Yeah. That's what Chris said.
Hmm.
Well, what about the old guy?
He's gonna stroke out soon.
Who's gonna light your fire then?
Holling's engine just keeps going and going.
Look, Shelly, you've gotta come with me.
I'll be good. I'll be different.
I'll be anything you want.
You know, Brad, when I first met you...
I thought you were just an obnoxious little creep.
But now...
I think you're gonna be one primo dude with something to say.
A guy most girls dream about.
Brad when you nail the right chick...
she's gonna be one lucky dudette.
But that's not gonna be me, hon.
You're sweet and charming and all, but...
Holling owns the keys to my pants...
and my heart.
Pardon the perspiration.
It's part of my daily detox.
30 minutes on the bike, 30 on the NordicTrack.
Poly-unsaturated oil.
Promotes excretion.
Right.
So what's up?
Jurassic Park. Hmm?
It's this new film, Spielberg's doing.
Richard Attenborough...
he clones these dinosaurs from DNA...
and they get loose and kill everyone.
Great.
That's what I thought.
And that, Mike, is what gave me the idea.
What? You want to make another movie? No.
Oh. So what's the idea?
It's the DNA thing, Mike.
You want to clone dinosaurs?
No. I wouldn't know how to do that.
So? Well, so...
the Earth is gonna end, right?
But maybe aliens will land here someday.
Possible.
Mike, according to Unsolved Mysteries, it's already happened.
Oh, is that right? Uh-huh.
Say, they find some plant DNA.
Well, they could clone the whole ecosystem. Well, the plant part, anyway.
So, what you're saying is that you want to collect...
genetic samples of plants.
Just like Johnny Appleseed.
Well, but in reverse, because...
he was sowing the seeds and I'll be harvesting them.
That's a great idea, Ed.
It is?
Absolutely.
Good, where do we start?
Oh, well, when you're tackling such a large subject you have to be systematic.
Absolutely.
There's a lot of plants out there.
Right.
Over 250,000 species of angiosperms alone.
We have to start off with something simple.
Something we can really get our hands on.
Something like ferns.
Ferns?
Polypodiophyta.
Good idea.
The most primitive plants to develop a true vascular system.
See, prior to the Carboniferous era, Ed...
ferns were the most dominant vegetation on Earth.
Ferns, huh?
Yeah.
How about some chamomile tea?
Oh, sure.
Hey, guys.
Are we late?
The bus will be here any minute.
Brad?
I brought you something.
You did?
I've been making it for Holling...
but with you going off to camp and all...
I thought you might need it more than him.
And Holling said it was okay.
Yeah?
So, well, try it on.
It's wool, well, mostly. You like it?
Are you kidding?
I'm never taking this off. Never.
Hey, killer, I got you this...
for the ride.
Tales of Kipling.
Yeah, I didn't think you were ready for Leaves of Grass.
"'Now this is the Law of the Jungle
"'As old and as true as the sky
"'And the Wolf that shall keep it may prosper
"'But the Wolf that shall break it must die'
"Later, Chris. "
Thanks, man.
Sure. All right.
Well.
Well, here she comes.
Right on schedule.
Good luck.
Well, see you.
Brad.
Bye.
Oh, man, I'm hurtin'.
Come on, son, let's go!
Take care, Brad.
Hey, Shelly. I'm coming back for you in five years.
No offense, man.
Come on. Take a seat, please.
Bye, Brad!
Bye!
Scalpel.
Tweezers.
What was this? Early Girl?
Beefsteak.
Right.
What's next?
Burpee Hybrid?
Go for it.
What do you want to do after this?
Bonny Best?
I'm not sure, Mike.
Jubilee? Sunray?
Possibly. Scalpel.
Scalpel.
Tweezers.
Don't damage the seed.
Okay.
Very good. Voilà!
Oh, that's good.
What are they puttin' in now?
The cradle.
What is this?
Single malt.
Laphroaig. It's 15 years old.
Okay.
Does anybody have anything they'd like to say to begin?
Anyone? I don't know.
I would.
Shelly.
Well...
I just think it's really neat that a bunch of us chicks...
can get together like this and do something fun without men.
I mean, there's no reason why we can't do more girl stuff...
in the future, you know.
Theme parties, sleepovers, stuff like that.
And, I really dig seeing those dudes over there...
with nothing to do except watch us and get horny.
Can you tell what they're saying with those?
I can't hear, but they seem to be having a good time.
A good time. Let me see.
How in the hell can you tell?
I mean, nobody's fightin', nobody's throwing anything.
Nobody's yellin'.
With men you can tell when they're havin' a good time.
Ruth-Anne.
I thought we might want to put something in from our own era.
Carrot peeler.
What are they doing now?
I can't tell.
Something...
Well, in laying our sisters' things to rest...
I thought it would be fitting to quote something...
from one of her contemporaries, Mary Wollstonecraft...
who wrote these words in 1792.
"My own sex, I hope, will excuse me...
"if I treat them like rational creatures...
"instead of viewing them...
"as if they were in a state of perpetual childhood.
"Dismissing those pretty feminine phrases...
"which men condescendingly use...
"to soften our slavish dependence...
"and despising that sweet docility of manners...
"supposed to be the sexual characteristics...
"of the weaker vessel...
"I wish to show...
"that the first object of laudable ambition...
"is to obtain a character as a human being...
"regardless of the distinction of sex. "
Amen.
Good.
All right. Beautiful.
Okay.
It's really criminal.
I told you we'd never get that rattle.
I just lost a wing in the Denver Museum of Natural History...
and he's talking about a rattle.
Well, as my old trapping buddy, Bob Pickering, used to say...
when a woman gets a wild hair about something...
you'd best just get out of the road.
Well, I wouldn't mind so much...
if it made the slightest bit of sense.
But this is just stupid.
Well, you can't look for logic, Maurice.
With women it seems that rabid emotion is the justification...
for everything.
"A woman uses her intelligence to find reasons...
"to support her intuition. "
G.K. Chesterton.
Well, I'm getting a little cold.
So, I think I'm going to head in.
Second. See you guys.
Let's go home.
Are we ready?
Can you handle that?
Yeah.